What is the “yoke” of yoga?

I started writing this blog post in December when I was reeling from the death of tWitch, the dancer from So You Think You Can Dance and DJ and producer on The Ellen Show. I was raw and emotional, and the first draft I had reflected that. It might seem odd to feel that over a stranger, but I think I wasn’t alone in those feelings. When someone chooses to forgo life, the pain reverberates through us all. And for someone who was known for being a light that glowed so brightly in the world, to see it snuffed out by choice is especially shocking. I would say it’s hard to fathom except…it’s not. I and I think most everyone has been to those dark places. And I know for myself, that darkness continually lives in my undercurrent.

So when I came back to this post to try to turn it into something useful rather than just an explosion of emotions, I realized that the question isn’t “Why would someone do something like that?” but “Where does this darkness come from ― and is there a way to rid ourselves of it?” There’s no simple answer to those questions, but it made me think about what yoga (Sanskrit for “yoke”) truly means, what our society often gets so wrong about that meaning, and the personal despair that often lives in the chasm of that disparity.

The bondage of society versus the union of yoga

Imagine two oxen bound together by an iron harness across their necks. If they move in tandem, they can get to where they’re going. If one decides to move in its own direction, it risks choking out itself or its brother. This is the literal definition of yoke, and the one that our society seems to operate from.

Nearly all of us deal with the pressure of expectations for how to be, whether stated explicitly or implicitly. These come from our relationships ― familial, work, romantic, and/or platonic ― and from society itself. There is a right and a wrong way to go about life, according to these standards. And we can experience hostility for anything considered “other.” Social media, of course, can fuel this with an endless comparison of achievements and life choices, priorities and pastimes.

This idea of how people “should” be is also what fuels every “ism” and cultural phobia ― racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc. ― and leads to devastating results. I’m moving through life in a radically different vessel than tWitch’s, so I don’t know the personal nuances of his lived experience. But I can imagine the depth of the pain. Because what these expectations and hostilities create is that iron yoke and a fear to move the way that feels most naturally. What would our family think? What would our friends think? What would society think? The fear of having to answer these questions is enough to make someone live as a false self, with their true desires relegated to the darkest parts of the psyche.

I think this is slowly changing as more and more people speak their truth. But, as of now, the harness is still present. And the question remains, how can a person move in the direction that intuitively feels good to them, a direction that might differ from those around them, if that harness is constantly around their neck? They would risk death ― possibly literally, or at the very least, societal death in the form of alienation and isolation.

To a certain extent, we have to assimilate to the environment around us. This is what our survival depends on. Just like the yoked oxen, we have to move cooperatively with each other in order to get anywhere. But this obligated and expected assimilation, especially when done to excess, creates a certain type of bondage in our society. The iron harness around all of our necks. That invisible harness creates the burden and pressure we might feel to live up to standards that aren’t necessarily our own. It’s a painful experience, no matter who you are. Because it tells us that we’re wrong to exist as we were made.

But what if that iron harness, something so rigid and unyielding that it breaks when up against a stronger force, could be turned into an ephemeral light — still connecting but no longer binding — and able to move flexibly and freely?

This is the yoke of yoga. Unbound by earthly associations, yoga means a connection to the Higher Self and God or the universe. In other words, yoga in its purest form is a union between the self, the soul, and the thing, being, or energy from which the soul originates. When this connection is truly felt, it then naturally spills out to every other person and creature with its own soul, its own innate divinity. Because when we can feel it within ourselves, we can recognize it within others.

The struggle between the material yoke and yoga leads to a much bigger conversation around the codependency of our society (the macrocosm) and our personal relationships (the microcosm) that feeds this bondage, and I’ve only begun to scratch the surface here. But maybe, little by little, we can start embracing ourselves as we are, living a life that aligns with our values even if they differ from someone else’s. And we can see others doing the same and feel inspired by it. Then the yoke can become something freeing rather than restricting.

Freeing ourselves to embrace the power within

In Buddhism, there is the idea that life is suffering. Or to be more exact, attachment to the things which we call life is the cause of suffering ― our relationships, status, achievements, and possessions to name a few. When we detach from these things through meditation and purposeful living, we can leave behind that suffering and move into nirvana, or enlightened bliss and transcendent freedom from the earthly world.

In yoga, this detachment is called “aparigraha” or non-grasping. Aparigraha suggests, among other things, that moving through life with any expectations of how others should be, and that can even include ourselves, is inherently wrong. The act of grasping to the idea of something, rather than an acceptance of what it is, is a surefire path to suffering ― for ourselves and for others.

If we are all of the divine, what reason would there be to ever try to control or dictate how someone else should be? Yet it happens so often because most of live in a disconnected state to the Higher Self. When we feel out of control, we try to grasp any control we can find. When we feel powerless, we try to overpower others.

When living in a state of yoga, or union with the Higher Self, power is innate. It’s impossible to lose, unnecessary to prove, and encompasses the entire being. It permeates every thought, feeling, and action. It’s the power of life force, pure existence. When we live in this state, power seems to multiply so that everyone can live within their own state of empowerment.

So where can we start to make this change, right now, today? We can start by taking the burden off ourselves, and each other. To be a certain way, to live up to some perceived idea of what’s right. We are all individuals. We must live that way and treat others that way. As sovereign beings, fully capable of managing themselves. Of knowing what’s right for themselves. Of knowing what they prioritize and value ― and what they don’t. Maybe then the bondage that we live in, those invisible burdens, can truly turn into wisps of beautiful light that connect us, rather than bind us.

If you’ve ever been to the dark depths I’m talking about here, and even if you haven’t, please know this:

I love you because you’re you. I love me because I’m me. And if there’s any kind of divinity, it exists within each of us. I don’t want to snuff out my divine light. Please don’t snuff out yours. The world needs you as you are.

I’ll end this post with one of my favorite songs that always makes me feel less alone and more empowered to love myself as I am ― with all the light and darkness I contain. Thank you, King Kenny.

And to tWitch’s family, my deepest condolences. May his love and light continue to shine.